Since I am off to a Family Economics Conference this weekend, I chose to do only one of the options...another flash fiction of less than 200 words. And I'd like you to make a comment below. Let me know what you liked (if anything), and how I could have done better.
If you'd like more info on the Writer's Platform Campaign Challenge check this link. I'm #70, if you'd like to give me a thumbs up. It would be much appreciated! And while you are there, check out the many other creative entries...
Here goes:
Too Close For Comfort
Hyperventilating because of my near death experience, I leaned against the rusty remains of a concrete bridge, thankful to be alive. Miraculously, I had only a cut on my leg. Becky, my best friend, had rescued me again. But this time, it wasn't from a social faux pas. And she had only wet hair to show for the feat.
Swimming near a tributary of the Amazon, I suddenly felt myself pulled under and spun like a whirlpool on a wooden spoon. I panicked, and cried out to God. Thoughts of my young son on a Brazilian Estate flashed through my mind. Instantly, Becky pulled me from the undertow, and onto the bank, where national children rummaged through a garbage dump.
A brilliant web of tiny stars whirled before my still closed eyes. "Vicki, Vicki...are you okay? Wake up...speak to me!"
Coming back to reality, I felt a gentle slap on my cheek. Becky had somehow delivered me to the crumbling bridge, leaning me against it to catch my breath.
"Looks like it's not your time to go, Vicki...the mission still needs your help!"
I smiled weakly, thanking God once more...I would see my son again.
So, what do you think? Any constructive comments would be appreciated...thanks for stopping by!
*bows* Way to fit those prompts in so effortlessly... I like your writing--I definitely heard a voice in there that stood out as different. "Liked" ;)
ReplyDeleteit flowed perfectly
ReplyDeletesue #48
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ReplyDeleteThanks, Morgan...I always wondered if I had a "voice". I appreciate your kind comments!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Sue...it truly was a challenge! I "liked" yours as well!
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ReplyDeleteI thought you did an excellent job given the prompts! This was a tough one. I enjoyed reading this very much and felt swept along with the excitement of the action. I also appreciate the depth to the story since we're not given too much background. I was a little lost in the beginning, though, after being told about the leaning on the bridge and then the swimming part. I wasn't sure what was happening at first. Maybe a little different transition to the flashback? Good job, Vicki! I look forward to reading more of these!
ReplyDeleteGood thoughts, Daisy...there does need to be a better transition. Thanks for your input...this one was more of a challenge, because I wanted to use all five unrelated prompts. I'm on a learning curve!
ReplyDeleteGreat setting and engaging premise! Nicely done :)
ReplyDeleteI, too, was confused about the flashback. Maybe if verbs in the past tense had been used it would have been easier to understand. But overall the prompts were used effortlessly and woven seamlessly into the story making it exciting and easy and fun to read. :)
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your honest assessment, Clar! I found with the 200 word limit, I could not explain things as clearly as I desired. Thanks for stopping by...
ReplyDeleteBrilliant, and touching. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteClar...I will try to redo some of it this weekend! Thanks...
ReplyDeleteThanks, RaeAnn...I appreciate your kind words! Nice of you to stop by...
ReplyDeleteNicely done! You write well and you have a distinct voice. You also took me back to my youth, when my father, who traveled to South America often, would tell me stories about his trips. He'd bring back orchids from the jungles (he raised them in a greenhouse behind our home), and even stuffed piranah!
ReplyDeleteMelissa Maygrove #14
(PS - consider turning off your blog's word verification. For instructions, check the latest post on my blog.) ; )
Thanks for your comment, Melissa...your Dad sounds like a special man. What an exciting life he had! And thanks for the tip...I thought the word verification was turned off. I'll check your post and your entry!
ReplyDeleteI love how Becky's character is revealed through the phrase..."social faux pas"
ReplyDeleteYour piece was sincere... like a snippet from reality - that's what I loved most about it!
Well done!
I'm off to vote!
This is a great flash fiction. Well done.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Mish for your kind insights!
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your comments, Lynda!
ReplyDeleteI liked how well you were able to make this your own story using all the prompts. It's difficult to do with such a limited word count.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Marcy! Although this was not a true story...bits of it are extracted from my life. I appreciate your encouraging comments...
DeleteGreat job! Impressive weaving of international travel and mission work into this story line and using the prompts.
ReplyDeleteCritique notes: Consider the verbiage carefully - national children could be more descriptively defined to give the reader a more specific picture. Switching 'Instantly' for another word to mean suddenly or haltingly, even jarringly can also provide more connection and clarity for the reader.
I like your style. Also a new follower!
I appreciate your input, Elizabeth...these were very helpful suggestions! I have trouble finding new words, so the ones you shared would have been a good option. Thanks for stopping by...and following!
DeleteCharming.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Traci!
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